In the hilarious Oscar Wilde play "The importance of being Ernest" the plot revolves around the following deception:
"Jack Worthing, the play’s protagonist, is a pillar of the community in Hertfordshire, where he is guardian to Cecily Cardew, the pretty, eighteen-year-old granddaughter of the late Thomas Cardew, who found and adopted Jack when he was a baby. In Hertfordshire, Jack has responsibilities: he is a major landowner and justice of the peace, with tenants, farmers, and a number of servants and other employees all dependent on him. For years, he has also pretended to have an irresponsible black-sheep brother named Ernest who leads a scandalous life in pursuit of pleasure and is always getting into trouble of a sort that requires Jack to rush grimly off to his assistance. In fact, Ernest is merely Jack’s alibi, a phantom that allows him to disappear for days at a time and do as he likes. No one but Jack knows that he himself is Ernest. Ernest is the name Jack goes by in London, which is where he really goes on these occasions—probably to pursue the very sort of behavior he pretends to disapprove of in his imaginary brother."*
The comedic illusion that the character Jack Worthing engages in got me thinking about the ways we choose to connect with others. For so many years as an HR professional in a global organisation, I had automatic entree to a massive number of people of vastly differing backgrounds and focus. Generally it required very little effort on my part to connect. People would constantly seek me out, perhaps looking for me to provide advice or simply listen to their perspective. When I suddenly stopped working in that environment, one aspect of this change that ,kept me up nights' was the prospect of losing all those connections that I had assumed for so long and having little to replace them.
Planning for my new lifestyle involved, in part, thinking deeply about how I would maintain connections from my past and build new connections around the way my life would now play out. Looking back a year later, I feel very satisfied with this aspect of my life.
So what has influenced this outcome?
The dimension of time changes markedly when you retire. Instead of the demands of others dictating the pace at which you will move and the direction that you'll move in, it is your own inner motivation that will determine how you choose to spend your time. Consciously committing time to connecting with people in a wide variety of ways has been critical to meeting my objectives in this regard. How often have you spoken to a person who has retired and they say "I'm just so busy, I don't know how I had time for work". I discovered that there are virtually limitless things with which to occupy my time. Some necessary, some interesting and some tedious. I came to recognise very quickly that I needed to consciously allocate time to contact and spend time with people to meet my own needs for connectedness.
As I have mentioned previously, planning is second nature to me having been an integral part of my career. In some senses, it seems silly to me to plan to connect with people. Surely connections just emerge and form naturally. In January last year, I remember waking one morning and my first thought was "this is the Monday when everybody returns to work after the Christmas break, but not me". This was a 'moment of truth' for me as it was the first year in many that what had been my normal life habit would deviate significantly. It was an emotional moment, but also confirmation that I would need to be proactive in creating a new habit. And so, as a key element of my life plan (first put together last January) was how and with who I wanted to build my new connectedness.
Social media fascinates me. At its worst it eats time, facilitates destructive behaviours and potentially reduces communication to glib one-liners. On the other hand, it provides an excellent source of timely information, enables instant global connection and facilitates the diversity of relationships that I value. I have taken time to experiment with social media (Including this blog) and I have concluded that it is invaluable, particularly for a person with a disability and limited mobility to reach out into the world and remain both informed and connected. For me, a shared meal or coffee is still the most enjoyable and relaxing way for me to connect with others, however perhaps because of distance, busyness or other factors, those direct interactions are not always feasible. Blending social media with 'opportunities to dine' has provided me with a very satisfying level and style of connectedness.
I also think there is a question of relevance. In the corporate world you possess positional relevance and usually it causes people to need or want to connect with you. I have so appreciated the way in which past work colleagues have continued to maintain our relationship and indeed build it into a different form. People like Julieanne have been very caring and generous in reaching out to me and providing support beyond our shared work place. New connections have also emerged. Daniel, who values my perspective and experience in relation to building his career. He sees relevance in our discussions and I value the opportunity to share with another what I have learned over time. And then there is Gary, a long-standing mate who has a busy and demanding job and a hectic family life. I now have time and he makes it and we go to one of my favourite cafes, share a coffee and talk about life – laugh some and try and solve the world's problems.
All of these connections are quite different in many ways but I they each add so much to the quality of my life as I hope it does for each of those people with whom I connect.
Recently I have been reading the book "The Essence of Health". In part it emphasises the importance of being connected to our good health. MS is a disease which steadily progresses but often in a disjointed and unpredictable way. To some degree I am dependent on the outstanding medical advice and support provided to me by my neurologist, Helmut but I am also arrogant enough to believe that I can influence the course of this disease by my own efforts. And so, the character that I used to play when working has vanished and I am now cast as a retired person with a disability. For some this new role has no relevance or is perhaps confusing or confronting. My experience to date is that you can construct your role to suit your needs. By virtue of taking time, planning, leveraging opportunities and ensuring that I remain relevant, I have a way and volume of connectedness that has added much pleasure to my new life and I perceive played in important part in steadying my health.
Thank you to all of you who have connected with me. Each of you have given me much more than you will ever know and appreciate.
To draw on the final sentiment expressed in Oscar Wilde's play "I've now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest"** Or in this case Being Connected.
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Follow one man's day to day experience of living with multiple sclerosis via Twitter – andy_melb or through my Facebook page.
*Extract from website - SparkNotes
** Extract from the script of "The Importance of being Ernest" by Oscar Wilde
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